Medical Card Will No Longer Cover ‘Pain Of The Blues’

The government has confirmed the medical card will no longer cover the ‘pain of the blues’ or ‘waking up with that one woman on your mind’.

‘Laughing just to keep from crying’ is also to be dropped from the treatable illnesses list, along with the Bullfrog Blues itself for which there is no known medical cure.

Answering questions about the role hereditary factors are said to play among those presenting at A&Es with the Bullfrog Blues, Sinn Féin’s Pearse Doherty spoke movingly about a constituent whose entire family, recently contracted the illness.

“His mother got them,” he said, “his father got them, his sister got them, his brother got them and when he woke up this morning, his grandma had them too.”

The sad fact, Doherty said, is that the government has effectively washed its hands of this family and other people in a similar situation.

“They wake every night and are reduced to laughing, in order not to cry at the heartless disregard this government continues to show them. The list of promises made and broken, continues to grow.”

However a health spokesman stressed that the man himself had refused treatment, insisting that “You don’t need no doctor, you don’t need no pill’.

The real problem, Doherty replied, was that money wasn’t available under the Treatment Abroad Scheme, to send the family to New Orleans, widely believed to be the only place where an effective cure for this illness can be found.

On a zoom call with Irish media, Doherty acknowledged that the cure was an alternative one, largely consisting of a shot of Rhythm ‘n’ Blues but nonetheless stressed it was one that alternative practitioners ‘swear by’.

Asked if the only thing alternative practitioners won’t swear, is an oath of any kind, he said he couldn’t swear to that.