Google Says You Have Cancer

New research by the Irish Cancer Society reveals that if you’re worried about your health, you probably have cancer. But if you’re cancer free, the study found, then you’re probably pregnant.

ICS CEO John McCormack says that until very recently, scientists believed there was no connection between cancer and minor ailments like dandruff or bad breath.

“However, our researchers did a quick google search on the most common ones and each time the search engine found hundreds of tabloid stories linking them to the most aggressive tumours known to science.”

In cases where there was no link to cancer, the evidence ‘strongly pointed’ towards pregnancy.

The Irish Medical Organisation acknowledged the news was disturbing but said that in the long term, the findings would help GPs and consultants at all levels, buy a second house in a university town.

“One that will easily pay for their children’s university fees while also doubling up as a second pension?”