Irish Language Act Would Force Protestant Men To Give Their ‘John Thomases,’ A Gaelic Name

Last night Arlene Forster ended a speech with a howl that brought the DUP faithful to their feet, as she vowed, “I will never call it ‘Sean Tomás’!”

Forster was defending the party against charges that it had allowed ‘hysterical lies’ about an Irish language act, to torpedo attempts at restoring devolution.

Meanwhile in Dublin, former US President Bill Clinton called on all the northern parties to act in the interests of democracy and told a gathering in UCD, that “Compromise is not a dirty word”.

At a press conference immediately afterwards, a DUP spokesman said that the party wanted no one to be in any doubt whatsoever, that compromise is a very dirty word, “Dirtier even, than ‘proportional representation’ and that, in any case, there can be ‘no compromise on the vital issue of democracy’.”

During follow up questions, he clarified that his remarks did not apply to private agreements to prop up the prime minister at Westminster, in return for cash and a veto over Northern Ireland policy.

The SDLP said the current situation with regards to devolution is a case of  ‘the blind refusing to work with the blind’.