Taliban Ask Andrew Tate To Be New Minister For Women’s Welfare

“Mr. Tate is the dream candidate for this role,” a jubilant Taliban spokesman said today, “what is there not to like about him!” He was speaking remotely after announcing Afghanistan has offered the legendarily lowbrow misogynist, the women’s welfare portfolio.

The spokesman then read out what he called “a quote from the learned Mr. Tate” on the subject of swords: “If more men walked around the house with swords, most of the world’s problems would be fixed.” This shows the genius of Mr. Tate, he went on to say, “and from now on, I myself will always walk around the house with a sword!”

“Andrew says women belong in the home, can’t drive, and are a man’s property,” he added, “he also says the victim of the rape must bear responsibility for the attack and that he will punch any woman in the face who challenges him because he knows what’s best for them?” Mr. Tate, he exclaimed happily, was ‘on exactly the same page’ as Kabul. And although still under house arrest in Romania where he’s facing charges of rape, people trafficking and organised crime, he still thought it would be possible for him to do the job if he works from home.

At time of going to press, the spokesman said he was only waiting for confirmation that Tate believes there is “no proof” Bin Laden was involved in 9/11. “And based on what we know of him,” he beamed, “I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

Friends later confirmed that Tate believes that “like the Holocaust and the moon landings, 9/11 is a conspiracy that never happened…and so is Covid?”