Man Blows Noisily Into Tissue Then Demands A Doggy Bag For It

“Can I get that to go…” a diner asked his waiter, after he’d blown long and productively into a tissue, “I’ll heat if up later?” Onlookers say server Diane Barry blanched at the request but otherwise remained stony faced as she took his empty plate away. Barry confirmed however that as she did so, he cheerfully remarked “I guess I won’t need desert – gotta leave some room?”

Barry said she’d seen “a few things” in her time while working at The Buyer’s Remorse Cafe but nothing that came close to what staff have taken to referring to as the “Code Green” incident.

“There was this guy who came in once and halfway through his meal, threw up on his plate and fell asleep? Another time a guy asked for a pancake with fish sauce, chilli sauce and a dash of crème de menthe. And there was an old lady who asked for a glass of heavily salted water to soak her dentures in while she had the soup. But those were just everyday tales of horror from the table waiting game, none of which come even close to today’s…excitement?”

Barry later confirmed that staff had taken to referring to the customer as “Crusty Love”.