Wagner Captures Bakhmut For The Fifth Time

Wagner group leader Yevgeny ‘Pinnochio’ Prigozhin has again claimed his mercenary army has fully captured the eastern Ukrainian town of Bakhmut. “I know I’ve said this before,” he explained, “but this time I really mean it!”

A spokesman for the Ukraine government replied that “the city of Bakhmut no longer exists because the depraved war-criminals of Wagner have levelled it but the fight continues for what’s left of where it stood”.

“Don’t forget,” he winked, “that Wagner has the same relationship to truth, as it has to town planning.”