Man Back After Taking Heroic Shit

“People all too easily reach for words like ‘epic’, ‘biblical’ and ‘monumental’,” Mike Claffey said today, “when trying to describe a truly great event? ‘Medieval’ is another cliché people throw around lightly in these situations. But there is only one word,” he told a spellbound open plan office, “that properly describes the scale of the struggle that just took place in a little cubicle off the back corridor that also leads to the service elevator, and that word is ‘heroic’!”

The office eyeballed Claffey – aka ‘the thinker’ – as he slowly got to his feet and began speaking like he was addressing a political rally.

“Because I want you to know that I am back people. Back amongst you again and with renewed vigour after a tumultuous interval, during which I took a truly heroic – dare I say, a Herculean – shit? And I beseech you now to believe me when I say, things will never be the same again.”

Then, as he pointed a finger at Jan ‘Ginger Biscuits’ Eaton, he solemnly intoned, “Ask not what your colon can do for you, ask what you can do for your colon”.

HR later confirmed that Mike – who’s had more warning letters than the tobacco industry – will be free to spend all of the extra time he’ll now have on his hands, rehearsing his one-man show, Porcelain Prophet: Diary Of A Stool Pigeon.