Something Went To Florida To Die But It Wasn’t ‘Woke’

The Ron DeSantis campaign drew to a close yesterday when the candidate finally scuttled offstage, spouting the usual gibberish about suspending rather than ending his bid.

The nation yawned but political obituarists weren’t slow to point out that while Florida clearly wasn’t where ‘woke’ went to die, it was precisely where Ron’s presidential ambitions had gone, after news broke that he’d jumped onto a late night flight to Tampa.

The post mortem began early this morning with supporters asking what had gone wrong. Ron had everything in abundance. Especially anger, vitriol and malice, qualities republican voters have always held in high regard. But, many reluctantly conceded, he simply could not smile. “And if there’s one thing a GOP voter likes,” a political consultant said, “it’s a God-fearing, shit-eating smile”.

In addition to being awkward, he added, Ron so lacked the common touch, he often seemed repelled by the public. And his odd habit of thrusting his tongue into view, was never going to be a crowd pleaser.

“Not someone you’d want to have a beer with,” he mused, “so much as someone you’d need a lot of beer to be with!”

Fox News reminded the world that Ron didn’t just fight ‘woke’, “he fought Disney too, every American’s natural enemy. And he wasn’t given credit for his greatest achievements, like eradicating slavery or promising to personally castrate Dr Fauci”.

“Lest we forget,” an infographic solemnly proclaimed at the end of the segment.

Later, in a heart-breaking counterpoint, the station interviewed Casey DeSantis on the toll the public race had taken on the private man. Revealing he’d “even been willing to get a dog, if he got the nomination”, before she broke down.

“What more,” she sobbed, “can a man do!”

The Des Moines Pride Center welcomed the campaign’s end by releasing a statement that simply said, “Ron woke”.