America Fully Accepts Totally Unacceptable Killing of American, Biden Confirms

President Biden has made clear Israel will face no consequences for its latest “totally unacceptable” killing of an unarmed civilian.

Israel’s military yawned that it’s “very likely our soldiers unintentionally killed peaceful protester Ayşenur Ezgi Eygi with a single shot to the head”. Eygi’s death recalls the similarly “unintentional shooting” of Palestinian American journalist Shireen Abu Akleh in Gaza in 2022.

US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken sniffed that the latest killing was, “unprovoked and unjustified” while Biden harrumphed that he was “outraged and deeply saddened”. Donald Trump immediately demanded that her family be made to pay for the bullet used to kill her.

Predictably, a row then broke out about whether stronger action should have been taken. As if American politics wasn’t so deeply in hoc to Israeli interests that it was inconceivable either party would do more than frown over it.

Trump would have done nothing, Democrats charged. Biden overstepped, Republicans screamed. And then everyone went back to talking about the debate.

RIP Ayşenur Ezgi Eygi, age 26.