Where Are Your Children, Don’t You Know The Sally Gap Is Closed?

RTE has urged Ireland to remain calm in the face of the news that a crossroads in the Wicklow mountains, 503 metres above sea level, is ‘closed’.

The national broadcaster made no reference to the fact that locals routinely ignore such ‘warnings’ or that wintry conditions regularly attract people living at lower altitudes to the area, eager to make snowmen and take photos.

The newsroom’s Teresa Mannion, revisited her bafflingly popular and entirely logical advice ‘not to make unnecessary journeys,’ to the delight of all those people whose lives are so empty, they find meteorological reports exciting.

Mannion also urged parents everywhere to “immediately check on their children because this is not a rehearsal, the Sally Gap is actually closed”.

Finally, she added that the station couldn’t be held responsible “if any of The Sunday Independent’s ‘whackjob columnists’, subsequently decide this means we’re advocating ‘helicopter parenting’.”