Garda Who’s Never Been Asked To Appear On Crimecall, ‘Wouldn’t Go Near Those Donnybrook Queers Anyway’

“If a rank-and-file garda caught Jack the Ripper,” Garda Tom Lohan claimed this evening, “he still wouldn’t get on Crimecall.”

Lohan, known as ‘moonboots’ on account of his lumbering gait and unnaturally large shoe size, was addressing local pensioner Mary Minnihan beside the monument in Birr’s Emmet Square.

“Shockin’,” Minihan replied, shaking her head slowly from side to side, to emphasize the depth of her profound shock.

“A crew like that wouldn’t let you in anyway Mary, if you’re not one of them,” Lohan then explained, theatrically tapping the side of his nose, “if you know what I mean?”

“Oh ‘deed an’ I do Tom,” Minihan replied, throwing her eyes up to heaven, before making the sign of the cross over her throat, as if to ‘protect’ herself from the unimaginable depravity implied by Lohan.

Minihan then inquired if there was any sign of a breakthrough in the local crime wave that had seen ‘perverts putting condoms into the poorbox of St Brendan’s every week’?

Lohan replied that he’d rung Crimecall personally, to try and interest them in the story.

“Solve that one Tom,” Minihan solemnly advised, “and the Offaly Independent will put your name up in lights.

“The Montrose arse mafi won’t be able to stop you crashin’ their party then,” she added.

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