“Call The Midwife,” Screams Constipated Castlebar Man

The ambulance service refused to take badly constipated Castlebar man Gussy Hoban to Mayo University Hospital last night, after he rang claiming to be suffering from ‘a bad case of breech birth’.

“Fine,” he told the switchboard operator, “if ye won’t take me, I’ll call the vet.”

“I haven’t got long,” he added, “I’m already ‘crowning’ but if I survive this, I’ll write a letter to The Irish Times, exposing the hypocrisy of Leo and Simon Harris.”

This would never have happened, he told himself between ‘contractions,’ if Padraig Flynn was still alive.