A Beginner’s Guide To Embroidery By George Santos

“Embroidery, embellishment, call it what you will,” George Santos said today, “everyone should learn the basics of this essential, life-enhancing skill”. Santos openly admitted he had embroidered his CV so well, he was elected to represent New York’s 3^rd Congressional District.

Specifically, he admitted pretending his mother died as a result of Sept. 11 (when she died over a decade later) falsely claiming that his grandparents fled the Holocaust and lying about being a college volleyball star, not to mention pretending that he was in college in the first place because he received top high school grades and that after he left, he worked for Citigroup and Goldman Sachs.

“I simply chose my words poorly,” he patiently explained, “a skill that goes to the very heart of embroidery – the art of choosing what embellishments to add to your CV”.

Santos also announced a project called The Great Cover-up which he said would involve republicans coming together to make a giant quilt, big enough to cover Trump’s involvement in the attack on Capital Hill.