Call For Unity Amongst Left Sparks Vicious Brawl

Call For Unity Amongst Left Sparks Vicious Brawl

A call for unity amongst left wing politicians on the city council, ahead of last week’s vote to elect the mayor, resulted in a vicious brawl which a report published today says was ‘unhelpful’. 

Councillor Vincent Spain had just made a heartfelt plea to urge ‘all on the left to stop their endless squabbling’ and unite behind a single candidate to prevent the council electing a typical slash-and-burn right winger. “As we try to make a decision,” he reasoned, “let us not make the mistake of overlooking a good candidate because we’re distracted by the idea of finding a perfect one.” 

Motherfucker!” the microphone picked up the councillor sitting next to him saying, “Are you calling me a squabbler?” Before Spain could reply, Councillor Dean Engardio leapt to his feet and decked his colleague, prompting Reuben Abiola who was sitting behind him to lean forward and stab Engardio in the neck with a steel pen he later told the Disciplinary Committee, was ‘a gift from the President of the Association of Conflict Resolution Councillors’. 

Frankie ‘Fu Manchu’ Darcy then gave a high-pitched scream before diving onto Engardio from the seat next to Abiola’s  and from that point on, the report says, the precise sequence of events becomes hazy. However it was widely agreed there was absolutely no call for Margaret Devine to ‘blindside’ Jilly Langton by slapping her across the face with the metal tray ushers use to carry written messages from one member to another.

The report notes the Disciplinary Committee was eventually forced to abandon all attempts to agree on the wording of a resolution, recognising that a call for unity “Is not a personal affront to anyone,” after the vote was repeatedly deadlocked 5-5.