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The Defendant Confirms He Will Not Be Taking Part In Tonight’s Debate

The Defendant Confirms He Will Not Be Taking Part In Tonight’s Debate

23/08/2023

'Defendant' is such an ugly word...

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Biden: “The Polls Are Always Right, Just Ask Obama And Hillary?”
Trump Says Musk “Impossible To Reason With”
Man So Angry He Wants To Sweep Everything Off A Desk
Trump Says He Will Settle Earth’s UFO Problem ‘Big Time’
Watch Those Immigrants Says Convicted American Rapist
Haley: I’m Nothing Like Trump But I Agree With Him On Every Single Thing
“Do I Seem Like Someone Who Would Keep Secret Documents In A Bathroom?” Trump Asks Rally
Man At Movies By Himself Horrified To Discover His Own Penis Inside Popcorn Box
Jane Birkin Could Never Understand Why People Thought The Orgasm She Simulated On Je T’Aime Was Sexual?
DeSantis Only Half The Bastard Our Guy Is, Trump Campaign Warns
Billionaire Reluctantly Accepts He’ll Have To Go Into Space To Get The Respect He Deserves
Trump Attacks Hunter Biden For Making A Plea Deal: “You Just Don’t Do That!”
Man Died Surrounded By His Family After Stubbornly Refusing To Surrender
“Do I Seem Like Someone Who Would Keep Secret Documents In A Bathroom?” Trump Asks Rally
Man At Movies By Himself Horrified To Discover His Own Penis Inside Popcorn Box
Mission Impossible: Tom Cruise Tries To Get A Hospital Bed Within 48 Hours
If Necessary I Will Raise My Fist Again, Hawley Warns
George Santos Angrily Denies He Ever Owned A Book
Man Ok With AI Risks, So Long As It Delivers A Good Sex Robot
DeSantis Only Half The Bastard Our Guy Is, Trump Campaign Warns
British Startup Invents Long-Distance Arse Kissing Machine
Ireland Asks What Went Wrong, As Country’s Only Alcohol-Free Bar Closes
Ordinary Decent Liars of Fox News Furious With High-Profile Liars Of Fox News
We Smoked Ourselves To Death And It Never Did Us Any Harm, Man With Only half A Lung Tells Grandson
Bright Side Of The Road Closed Until Further Notice
America Agrees To Pay Reparations For Emily In Paris
Colossal Earthquake Obviously God’s Punishment For Some Minor Rule Breach
Taliban Ask Andrew Tate To Be New Minister For Women’s Welfare
Police Reject Candidate Who Isn’t Turned On By Corpse Pics
Residents’ Association Watching You, Asshole!
Ukrainian Town’s Name Sounds Like An Old Man Trying To Clear His Throat
Motorcyclist Thrown Over Handlebars Still Experiencing Amazing Sense Of Freedom
Ready4Rishi To Restore Trust In Politics By Smashing The Nurses Strike?
Spite Is A Renewable Energy
Putin Says Last Oligarch’s Death “Really Was Accidental”
Man’s Affair Is Having An Affair
Britain Leads World At Pageantry Because The World Couldn’t Give A Toss About Pageantry
Putin Says Last Oligarch’s Death “Really Was Accidental”
Unelected Millionaire To Tell Poor They’re Not Doing Poverty Right
Shop Assistant Too Wasted For Small Talk
Driverless Police Car, Chases Driverless Car
Bishop Sick Of All This Turn The Other Cheek Crap
Rees-Mogg Urges Leadership Contenders To “Keep It Creepy”
Putin Joins Truth Social After Trump Reassures Him About The Truth Part
Queen’s Death: Were The Jews Responsible?
Police Confirm No Suspects In Death Of Angela Lansbury
Old Man Used To Be A New Man
Mayo To Be Renamed ‘Rooney Country’
I Too Was Sceptical When I First Heard About This Amazing New Product, Says Salesman Selling New Product
Woman Who Thought She Was Dating A Priest, Learns He Was Just A Guy Wearing His Dead Uncle’s Clothes
I Know Just How Ukrainians Must Feel Because I Had A Really Bad Day At Work
Man Found Masturbating In Aldi, “Very Comfortable With His Sexuality”
Man Not Sure What He Ever Did To Montezuma
We May Never Know The Truth, Says Minister Feeding Documents Into Paper Shredder
WWII Bomber On Moon Stolen By China
Woman Thinks “World Would Be A Far Better Place, If We Were All Just A Little Bit Nicer To Each Other”
‘Michael Jackson Done It All The Time,’ No Excuse For Rubbing Your Balls In Public, Judge Tells Man
Church ‘No Place For Moralising’
Annoying Exchange Student Clicks His Fingers To Every Song On The Radio
Former FBI Agent Fully Expects To Be Called Out Of Retirement To Solve Some Baffling Crime
Thames Valley Police Deny They Mistook Prince Harry For An Irish Traveller
The Freddie Starr I knew Was A Monster
Playboy Mansion Haunted By Ghost Of Heffner’s Last Erection
European Research Group Admits It’s Never Done Any European Research
Man On High Fibre Diet, ‘Really Laying Cable’
Zuckerberg: “It Was Like That When I Got Here”.
Student Calls Every Black Guy He Meets ‘Man’
Homeless Man Enjoying Christmas, Unaware He’s Hallucinating
Teen’s Mother Has ‘No Idea’ How Dark The World Really Is
Fabric Of Rural Ireland To Be Turned Into Irish Dancing Costumes
Turns Out Jackson Actually Was “Really, Really Bad”
Credibility of Irish Times Still Damaged By 2007 Inclusion Of Michael Bublé In “What’s Hot List”
Shane MacGowan’s Wedding Diaper: First Photos
Call Me If Anyone Says Something Funny About Trump
Man Who Fled Trial, Willing To Give Jury Benefit Of The Doubt
It’s All To Play For, Man Warns Ahead Of Sunday’s Match
All Aboard The Glug, Glug, Gluas!
How Many Drinks Should I Buy A Mother-Daughter-Sister-Lover-Woman?
Biden: I’ll Bet Tony Scott’s ‘Trademark Red Hat’ Is a Lot Redder Now
Nobody Gave Me A Handout When I Was On Welfare
Never Mind About Syria’s Butchered Children, The Sun Has Rescued A Donkey
Taxi Driver’s Fridge Magnet Wisdom Only Good For Five Minutes
Ram Jam Bromance
‘Mission Accomplished,’ Man Who Never Courted Popularity Told
Marriage Is ‘A Controlling Relationship’
Dog Shunned By Partner For Trying To Do It ‘Human Style’
America Remembers Last White Guy Who Could Cancel A Riot
Warning: Ireland In Danger Of Missing Out On ANOTHER World War!
I Hope I Die Before Celine Dion Does
Noah’s Ark Overtakes Tomb Of Jesus As Most Discovered Biblical Site
We Are All Guilty In Kerry Babies Case, Say People Who Were Actually Guilty
Student Joins Poetry Society After ‘Falling In With The Wrong Crowd’
Chronic Attention-Seeker Unfulfilled By Global Scrutiny
Hollywood Narcissists Split Up, Citing Wisdom Gained From Short, Bitter Marriage
Woman’s Boss Has ‘A Right Flea Up His Hole’ This Morning
No Matter How Much Weight Susan Boyle Loses, She’s Never Going To “Look Like A Model”
Woman Stirs Tea ‘Like A Lioness’
Scientists Prove That If A Tree Falls In Trinity, It Makes Noise At Cabinet Table
There Are No Losers Here Today, Winner Tells Losers
Shooting Fish In A Barrel Takes America By Storm
Barman Curates Drinks Order
Papal Anus Getting Millions Of Hits
Female Genital Mutilation In Ballinasloe
No Animals Harmed During Making Of Movie But Three Barbecued Shortly Afterwards
Man Admits That When He Said There Was Good News And Bad News, There Was Only Bad News
‘BitchCoin’ Is Not Another Word For Alimony, Judge Tells Castlebar Man
Obese Hunter ‘Tests His Courage’ Against Distant, Limping, Near Blind Lion
Medical Card Will No Longer Cover ‘Pain Of The Blues’
‘Orange Snow’ Riot In Connemara
Minor Award Turns Midlist Author Into Grumpy Bore
Roscommon Gardai Close To Solving 4FM’s CLASSIC SONG INVESTIGATION
Taxi Driver Unsure Exactly Which Mansion Asylum Seeker Lives In
Newly Qualified First-Aider Hanging Around Dublin Airport ‘Just in case?’
Harry Styles Feels Most Beautiful When He’s Asleep
Student Journalist Considering Using ‘Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves’ As Headline
Truth Is The First Casualty Of Boris Johnson
Homeless Irishwoman Applies For Ukrainian Citizenship
Wagatha: Winner To Meet Amber Heard In The Final
“I Know A Liar When I See One,” Johnson To Tell Putin
Say What You Like About Putin But At Least He’s A Christian Who Firmly Believes In The Death Penalty
Rees–Mogg: “I Didn’t Know What ‘Oven–Ready’ Brexit Meant Because Nanny Does All The Cooking”
‘Why Does Everything Happen To Me?’ Wonders Simon ‘Calamity’ Coveney
Farmers Not Happy About Something
You Won’t Believe What Happened Next, Drone Operator Chuckles
Mary Lou’s Eyebrow Flickers Briefly, In Move Not Sanctioned By IRA Council
Film Critic Unmoved By Pre-Flight Safety Video
Woman Watching The Crown Wants Her Tea Served Just Like That
Man Willing To Do That Job Where You Have To Spit Out Wine
Conspiracy Theorist Just Wants To Know Why 88 Year Old Man Died
Queen To Get Completely Wankered Tonight
People Who Once Objected To Presidential Visits, Now Demanding Presidential Visits
Where Do You Stand On The Whole Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Swollen Balls Debate?
Middle Aged Couple Who Hold Hands In Public Viewed With Suspicion By Neighbours
Sincerity Rears Its Ugly Head
Town Slightly Nearer To Dublin Looks Down On Town Slightly Farther From Dublin
Boy Dangling From Fifth Floor Window Can’t Wait To See Which Superhero Saves Him
Ed Sheeran Announces Arrival Of First Hobbit Born In Captivity
Popularity Of Indian Food Proves Ireland ‘Definitely Not Racist’
Paschal Donohoe ‘Still On’ Puberty Blockers He Was Prescribed As A Teen
Man Whose Wife Told Him ‘You’re Not Getting Pulled Chicken’, Wants To Know If They’re Still Talking About Food
No Accountant Was Harmed In The Making Of This Movie
Man Singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ Suffers Cardiac Arrest
Man Usually Gets His Wife’s Way In The End
My Nine Year Old Son Is Depressed In His Bedroom. Should I Let Him Out?
The Gear I Brought Back From ‘The Dam’ In My Ass
Man With No Shoes, Unmoved By Sight Of Man With No Feet
12 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Owned A Green Hat
NASA Engineer Admits Programming Mars Explorer To Carve His Initials Into Rock
Head Of Tidy Towns Committee Also Dedicated Fascist
No ‘Pee’ In Chickpea Soup, Waitress Guarantees Castlebar Man
Syrian Man Uses Music To Overcome Challenge Of Living In Leitrim
Man Eating Beans From Tin, “Taking Back Control”
Don’t Go Getting Me Anything Expensive For Mother’s Day, Irish Woman Insists
Halfway Through Famine Report, Newsreader Expresses Alarm Over Dry Skin
Google Says You Have Cancer
Queen Eithne Mooney To Meet Doctor Decky Sheehy After School, In Lidl Carpark Dance Off
He Told Them He Was Finished But Then They Asked Him To Do ‘One Last Job’
Camping In Barna Woods Not The ‘Rainforest Holiday’ Woman Was Promised
Mansplaining Continues, Despite Rising Panic In Woman’s Eyes
Healy-Raes Launch ‘No Drink Left Behind’ Initiative
Irish Emigrant Wonders If He Might Be Needed Back Home Anytime Soon
Kevin The Carrot Breaks His Silence
Medical Card Will No Longer Cover ‘Pain Of The Blues’
Student Joins Poetry Society After ‘Falling In With The Wrong Crowd’
Keith Richards Never Had To Throw A Flat Screen TV Out Of His Hotel Window
Gov To Double West’s Share Of Unfulfilled Infrastructure Promises By 2025
Bored Teen Looking For Twitter Lynch Mob To Join
People “Way Too Smart To Believe The BBC”, Way Too Stupid To Find It
DUP Adopts “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off To Have A Good Time,” Ahead Of North’s Abortion Referendum
Family ‘Thrilled’ Daughter Has Lost Her Irish Accent
Johnson Says He Thought Party Was Work Because He Doesn’t Know What Work Looks Like
Man Feared For His Life When UFO Lights Dragged His Car Towards Dogging Spot
Doctors Hoping To Put A Human Heart Into Boris Johnson
DUP Want UK To Withdraw From The Enlightenment
Coveney Rock-Hard After Meeting Minor Royal
In His Own Mind, Council Worker Cleaning Up After Storm Playing Vital Role In Search & Rescue Operations
Woman Prepares Best Non-threatening Smile For Office Photo
Institute Of Axe Grinders Warns Against Bringing The Profession Into Disrepute
Now Look What You Made Me Do, Man Screams At Wife
We Used To Have An Empire Says Man Whose Car Won’t Start
Patriarchy Objects To Stereotyping By Women Who Should Be At Home Rearing Their Children
Local Man Would Really Like To Punch HR Guy’s Lights Out
Court Spares Man Who Has Whole Life Of Racism In Front Of Him
The Special Meaning Behind Biden’s Inauguration Outfit
The Guy Did Something Like That In The Bible Once?
Five Years Sober. Can I Bore The Hole Off You About It?
Meat Loaf Told ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ Not Appropriate As Charity Single For Covid Research
Is It Wrong To Say Miss Bum Bum Has ‘One Hell Of An Ass’?
Tell Me Again The Difference Between Homiesexual, Homosexual and Metrosexual, Mother Asks Teenage Son
Try This Simple Trick To Eliminate Dust – Turn On The Vacuum Cleaner
Committee Set Up To Establish Which Part Of Ireland Kanye West’s Ancestors Come From. Just In Case, Like?
Stephen Collins Accuses Newton Emerson Of Being ‘Soft On Sinn Féin’
Amber Heard Found Guilty Of Witchcraft
Man Arrested For Calling 999 To Report Theft of Air Guitar
Coronavirus “God’s Punishment” For Letting Gay Couple On DWTS
Irish Times Amazed By Irishman Living Abroad
Man Longs For Day When He Can Resent Intrusion Into Private Life That Fame Brings
Man Waiting Anxiously To See If He Qualifies For Level 8 Tripadvisor Badge
Senator Noone To Raise Awareness That “You Can’t Say Anything”
What To Do If You Feel Raped After Following A Woman Onto The Upper Deck Of A Bus To Watch Her Breastfeed
Granny’s Disappearance Will Make Great Episode Of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ Care Home Advises
Man Who Sees Dead People Everywhere Reminded He Works In A Morgue
Where’s Wally Publishers To Produce A Where’s Boris Edition
Man Unsure If Bruce Lee Can Continue To Defeat Larger And Larger Groups Of Opponents
New Brexit Deodorant Removes The Stench Of Racism
How To Cope With The Lingering Sense Of Bereavement That Follows A ‘Son Of Satan Christmas Shit’
“Is This A Hill You Want To Die On?” Priest Asks 5-Year-Old Playing Centurion In Nativity Play
Man Planning Selfless Act Surprised By How Much Self He Actually Has
I Like To Think Of Us As One Big, Happy Family, Says CEO Who’s About To Fire Everyone.
Black Lives Matter Ennis Threaten To Make Town ‘Ungovernable’ If America Does Not Change
Parish History Omits Time Fr Mike Blew The Bingo Fund At The Galway Races
Buy A ‘Vagina Candle,’ Woman Tells Ex, Because That’s As Near As You’ll Get
“Balcony Bingo? Sure It Writes Itself!” Cackles Roddy Doyle
‘Michael Jackson Did It All The Time,’ No Excuse For Rubbing Your Balls In Public, Judge Tells Castlebar Man
Fair City Extra Recalls Time Gaybo Completely Ignored Him In A Lift
Coronavirus “God’s Punishment” For Letting Gay Couple On DWTS
Without The Alcohol That Prevented Him Realizing All His Ambitions, Man Discovers He No Longer Has Any Ambitions
Ritual Of Bridesmaid Claiming She’s Breaking With Tradition By Making A Speech, Already Underway
Man Who Didn’t Suffer Fools Gladly, Was ‘Just Another Dick’
Kid Who Had To Wait A Year For A Wheelchair, Would Probably Have Grown Out Of It By Now Anyway
Millionth Woman Seeking Validation Asks Mumsnet ‘Am I Being Unreasonable?’
New Marine Can’t Wait To Torch A Village For America
Man Praying His Wife Won’t Start Speaking ‘On Behalf Of All Women’
What To Do When A Himalayan Salt Lamp Doesn’t Cure Your Depression
Dog Tries To Hump Woman More Than Husband Does
Win A Magical Weekend For Two At The Red Cow Inn
Postman Still Calling It The Gurmet Tart Co
Man Thinking Of Buying Expensive Notebook In Case It Ever Turns Out He’s A Writer
Fruit Sellers Demand End To High Speed Car Chases
Endless Glamour Of Airline Travel Finally Getting To Ryanair Cabin Crew
Mother Keeps Asking To See ‘Pearl Necklace’ Daughter Got For Valentine’s Day
Anything Man Knows About Women He Learned The Hard Way
Man Thinking Of Giving Up Alcohol For November Soon
Couple Planning Family Newsletter From Dog’s Point Of View
Man Breaks Long Silence To Reveal He’s Totally Off His Tits
Wedding Planner Referring To Guests As ‘Civilians’
Woman Singing ‘Private Dancer’ Confident She’d Make An Excellent Prostitute
We Built This City On Rock’n’roll Defence Ruled Inadmissible In Court
Man Singing In Shower Pretty Sure He’s Multitasking
Woman Just Putting That Ballymaloe Sauce On Everything Now
Actress Whose Mother Is Her Best Friend, Tells All
Halfway Through Famine Report, Newsreader Expresses Alarm Over Dry Skin
Fucking Your Kids Up, Still No 1 Parenting Mistake
Man Whose Wife Is His Best Friend, “Definitely Having An Affair”
Lying, Racist, Morally Bankrupt MP, Surprise Favourite To Lead Tories
Man Singing In Shower Pretty Sure He’s Multitasking
Attendant Can’t Wait For Gallery To Close, To Begin Licking Exhibits
Lifelong Marxist Struggling To Cope With Mainstream Approval
Lying, Racist, Morally Bankrupt MP, Surprise Favourite To Lead Tories
Man’s Penis Feeling More Like A Swinger Than A Soulmate Tonight
Taxi Driver Unsure Exactly Which Mansion Asylum Seeker Lives In
Spike In Panic Attacks, Following €65m Cannabis Seizure
Study Finds Most Americans Killed By ‘Acts Of God,’ Live In Bible Belt States
Don’t Make Same Mistakes I Made, Says Alcoholic Who Can’t Recall The Mistakes He Made
Man Just Following His Pecker Around
Wife Cancelled Date Night Even Though Husband Had Already Brushed Teeth
Dog Dragging Its Balls Along Carpet ‘Understands Every Word Woman Says’
Wife Says All Husband Does Is ‘Make Carbon Dioxide’
Asian Couple Name Son “CEO Amir Patel” To Give Him ‘Headstart In Business’
Eamon ‘I, Robot’ Ryan
‘Calm Down Love,’ Journalist Told After Asking ‘Hello, Is That The Garda Press Office?’
Incredible New Anti-Snoring Device Takes Ireland By Storm
Man Singing “Leave A Light On For Me” To Warn Wife He’ll Be Legless When He Gets In
Turns Out Mass Death Is Worse For Economy Than Mass Unemployment
Mayor’s Job “One Step Up From Being Town’s Most Colourful Drunk”
New Doctor First Black Man To See Woman’s Tits
Indian Waiter Faints After Customer Orders Dessert
Man Relieved He Has ‘Boner Fider’ Boner
Her Majesty Will Be Offended If I Don’t Get A Window Seat, Donaldson Tells Stewardess
Vaccinated Woman Claims Zombies Just Run Past Her Now
The Ballad Of Brave Sir Jeffrey
Support For A Border Poll To Be Made A Hate Crime
Johnny Skunk And Mary Gargle’s Romance ‘Is Growing All The Time’
True Value Of The Sun Was Always Zero
‘I blame The Parents,’ Says Alcoholic Woken By Crying Baby
Re-enactment Society Just Cover For Bondage Club
Castlebar Man Not Sold “A Gay Computer”
Jagger Denies ‘Satisfaction’ To Be Used In Viagra Commercial
NUIG ‘Klingon’ Row Splits Board
Man ‘Totally Guarantees’ There Will Be No Gratuitous Nudity In His Screenplay

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