DUP Denies It’s In Greater Need Of A Heart Than Boy On Transplant List

Deep inside the most recent hole they’ve dug for themselves, the DUP insists the party has ‘a perfectly good heart’ but that on no account can it be given to a Catholic boy, desperately waiting for a transplant.

Instead, party leader and knight of the realm, Sir Jeffrey du Lagan, claimed “We are the real victims in all of this”.

The DUP leader made clear he will not drop a block on the Stormont Assembly sitting, so stalled organ donation legislation – called “Dáithí’s law” – can be implemented in Northern Ireland. The law is named after Belfast boy Dáithí MacGabhann, who is waiting for a heart transplant.

“Politics is not for the faint hearted,” Sir Jeffrey warned. “It’s full of unscrupulous people who’ll stop at nothing to help a six-year-old in desperate need of a heart transplant? That’s the sad truth of where we are today in Northern Ireland.”

Speaking off the record, a spokesman later said the party was quite prepared to use semi-archaic terms like ‘unconscionable abomination’ in a press release. “Because that’s the kind of silly waffle that goes down well with our old testament members?