Future–You Just Came Back To Say “Pull Yourself Together Because Biden’s Going To Win”

In a development you certainly weren’t expecting, Future–You came back from an unspecified yet-to-happen date, to tell you to “Pull yourself together and grow a pair!” Totally taken aback, you stammered something like, “I’m sorry, hot-looking stranger but have we m-m-met before?”

“Look fuckwit,” Future–You replied, “I really don’t have time for this, so I’ll make it quick? Biden beats Trump in 24. No question. So either you man up or buy a pair of incontinence trousers? Because if you’re going to wet yourself every time a landline poll of 600 people – who were ‘at home in the middle of the day’ – says TFG’s gonna beat Biden, then you’ll need a product with maximum absorbency!”

You were just about to say something airy and clever like, “Look chief, I’m sure there are better ways you could be spending your valuable time than wasting it on me” when Future–You snapped, “And don’t bother giving me the cute speech about how ‘you’re sure there are better ways I could be spending my valuable time’? Not just because it’s pathetic but because you try and give it to me all three times I come back like this. Especially just before the blind date you’ll go on next month and before which I will very specifically warn you not to book a hotel room for.”

“So, just to recap, as soon as it dawns on America that it’s going to be a straight choice between an old man and a completely crazy old man – who regularly says things like ‘I’d rather be electrocuted than eaten by a shark” – people will start to focus? And then, they will choose the guy who’s trying to bring down the price of everyday things like cereal, over the guy who says you need voter ID to buy cereal.”