George Santos Angrily Denies He Ever Owned A Book

George Santos has denounced a claim that he owns a book as “a dirty rotten lie” and warned he will “sue anyone who says different”. He reportedly made the claims after seeing graffiti written in black marker on the back of a toilet cubicle door in the capitol building.

“George Santos supports banning books but did you know he actually OWNS one?” Another graffiti gave his phone no, saying “For a good time, call 1 212 *** ****”.

Bristling with righteous indignation, he made a fiery speech in which he said he had come across some vile behaviour in his time but that claiming he owned a book was “a new low indeed”. However he was happy to categorically assure the house, “I do not now, nor have I ever, owned a book!”

“In the long and storied history of lying,” he said, his voice quivering with rage, “I have never come across such a blatant, opportunistic lie. Quite frankly, it dwarfs all the fantastic things I put in my CV and then had to take out again, one by one, after they were found out”.

Representative Santos finished by saying, “I want people to know I still have the same reputational integrity today, that I first brought into this chamber when I took my seat.”