Unelected Millionaire To Tell Poor They’re Not Doing Poverty Right

After more than a decade of Tory austerity, Britain’s unelected millionaire PM is to speak directly to Britain’s poor, as part of a bold new approach to the welfare sector. Rishi ‘richie’ Sunak’s speech has been written for him by ‘a crack team of millionaire Tony donors’ who’ve promised to bring fresh thinking and new clarity to the subject.

A spokesman for Sunak – openly exhibiting the kind of repressed sexual excitement he’d only ever experienced while watching a public caning at boarding school – gasped “He’s really going to give it to them!” After a short break to allow his breathing return to normal, he was able to continue the briefing. “The thrust of the speech will be that they’ll have to get on their bikes,” he added, “if they want to get the kind of jobs that will eradicate poverty.”

“Basically,” he explained, “he’s taking it to the next level but this time in an area the markets can’t possibly screw with?” A subsequent press release revealed the speech will also include a ‘Rishi’s Top Ten Tips To Avoid Looking Poor‘ section which was drawn up by his wife.

Two of the tips were included in the press release. Top Tip No 1: ‘Don’t throw your clothes away after Paris fashion week? If you keep them long enough, they’ll be fashionable again, saving you an absolute bundle!‘

Top Tip No 2: ‘Keep the complimentary soaps & shampoos from your hotel bathroom to use at home!’