Your Landlord Will Be Forced To Evict You, If He Has To Fix The Toilet Leaking Into Your Kitchen

The Association of Landlords, Moneylenders & Greedy Bastards say they will be left with no choice but to evict tenants, “if we have to fix the toilet or get rid of the mould in your bedroom”. Sadly, a spokesman explained, “that’s just how the free market works”.

“Indigenous landlords are the backbone of this country,” he continued, “and without us, you’d be at the mercy of foreign vulture funds who won’t fix your toilet either. Faceless, ruthless people who won’t make any small talk with you about the weather while they’re extracting…I mean collecting the rent because you’ll never actually meet them? They’re all living in Switzerland, dating inappropriately young women and laughing hysterically at your stupidity in getting rid of the decent Irish landlord who knew and understood your ways!”

“Tenants would be well advised to consider the ‘personal service’ factor when it comes to deciding who they want to rent from. Today, one of our members actually picked up the phone himself and personally rang his tenants to tell them their rent went up six months ago. Now, what do you think the vulture funds would have done in a situation like that? I’ll tell you. They’d have sent those same tenants a solicitor’s letter telling them their rent had gone up six months ago and that letter would have cost them an extra 50 notes on top of the back dated rent increase. So believe me when I tell you, you’ve never had it so good!”