Mission Impossible: Tom Cruise Tries To Get A Hospital Bed Within 48 Hours

Mission Impossible star Tom Cruise says his next challenge will be his greatest yet: to get a hospital bed within 48 hours of being admitted to A&E.

“They say it can’t be done,” laughed the owner of the most dazzling, shit-eating smile in Hollywood. A smile that would almost certainly have guaranteed him a shot at the White House by now but for the whole Scientology thing.

Plot details are still sketchy but a leaked outline on the Hollywood Sychophant website said ‘the baddie’ was certain to be a sinister Russian health administrator. Meanwhile Cruise would play a courageous, former war surgeon who mentors a breathless, young female assistant who looks like she just can’t wait to invite him to her high school prom.

All goes well until Cruise comes off his motorbike and needs treatment. Then he’s stuck in A&E, waiting endlessly for a bed until, with the help of his lithe young assistant, he’s smuggled past sinister nursing staff, intent on treating those in greatest need first.

When post-op Tom is accidentally given the wrong meds, he immediately “knows” a visiting group of South Korean medical students are agents of Kim Jong-un and begins to stab, garotte and electrocute them with defibrillator paddles. It’s only when they’ve all been slaughtered and he tells his assistant that he wants to perform a penis transplant on her, that she sprays him with chloroform. After that, everyone lives happily ever after, even if they’d have quite liked a penis transplant.