Shop Assistant Too Wasted For Small Talk

Shop assistant Carmel Comerford nodded distantly at customers this afternoon but spectacularly failed to respond to small talk, close friend Irene Quigley noted. The English & Philosophy student said she carried out a quick ‘follow up’ check on Comerford’s performance, an hour after the two shared a blast of ‘something special’ their mutual friend Tommy Skunk gave them.

Quigley stressed there was no cause for alarm because Comerford was “doing really well with the till but just couldn’t be arsed talking”. “To be honest,” she added, “I think she was fantasising about being on the dole?”

Comerford who had been chewing gum all afternoon, later confirmed she had “actually been looking forward to a teatime pint followed by a large curried chips. And then probably a whole load a pints”. She added she’d had a surprisingly tolerable shift, considering “all the old bitches who come into the shop rabbiting on about the cold and the rain or fuq knows what”.

At time of going to press, Comerford and Quigley said they were frantically texting Tommy Skunk who wasn’t responding, the bastard.