Pentagon Says It Would Be Victim-Shaming To Blame Them For Giving Kid Access To Worldwide Intelligence System

The Pentagon says it would be ‘blaming the victim’ to explain why it gave a low level 21-year-old employee, full access to its Joint Worldwide Intelligence System. “It’s victim-shaming,” a defense chief said, defensively, as he dabbed his eyes melodramatically.

“It’s also disrespectful to our spies and agents across the globe? Many of whom risk their lives daily, to conduct surveillance and gather information in dangerous situations. And it suggests we’re a bunch of clowns who’ve just shown our enemies how pitifully easy it is to steal top secret intelligence from us.”

After being told he’d described the situation pretty accurately, he put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Homeland, it’s not, I can see that,” he conceded, “Mission Impossible? It’s not that either but…on the up side, Jack Teixera does sound like a character Tom Cruise would play so, maybe there’s something in that?”