There Are No Losers Here Today, Winner Tells Losers

“There are no losers here today,” winner Mark Heffernan screamed at the losers of the King of the MacGillicuddy’s adventure race, “only winners!”

“I had a race plan and I knew if I could stick to that plan, I could be the king here today,” he roared, before kissing the trophy and holding it up to shout at wife Marcie, “This is for you baby, I love you so much!”

He then ran through a number of stock, victory-speech clichés.

Beginning with “No one believed I could do it but I believed in myself and that’s all that counts,” before moving on to, “I’d like to dedicate this trophy to everyone who’s ever been fired for petty theft but fought their way back to the top of supermarket grocery packing,” and concluding with, “I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my parents and their lack of easy access to contraception“.

Finally, he asked his, at best sullen, audience “So, what have we learned here today people? I believe it is this: If I can do it, then so can you’? Because everyone here today is still a winner – even if you all lost and I’m the only one taking the trophy home – and that’s the big takeaway.”