Trump Calls On Jesus to Endorse Him or Risk Losing Out After Election

Donald Trump today told a rally that he has “prayed to the Godfather” for help but is still waiting to hear back.

“Last night, I got Eric to lie on the floor and as I knelt on him, I said, ‘Dear Godfather, like you, I only have one son, so please talk to Jesus, before it’s too late? Because otherwise I’m gonna have to turn my back on him? All the other republican holdouts have come over to me. What does he want, thirty pieces of silver’?”

Privately, a Trump aide said “he really wants the guy’s endorsement because he’s seriously minted.”