Trump Wins Doonbeg International Haircare Award

The inaugural Doonbeg International Haircare Award has been won by Donald Trump, the manager of the Doonbeg Hotel announced today. Joe Russel was speaking to a local reporter, ahead of the former president’s arrival tomorrow.

“Mr Trump beat a very strong shortlist of presidential candidates like Joe Biden and Michael D. Higgins who all have less hair than he has and none of whom use a colour or any form of cement to keep their hair in the elegant, bouffant style favoured by elderly American males, pretending they don’t suffer from erectile dysfunction”.

“West Clare has been down on one deferential knee,” he added –  dropping to one knee and saluting as he spoke – “since we first heard the Commander-in-Chief would be paying us a visit.”

Meanwhile Parish Priest Fr. ‘Faythur’ McGrath said that details of two miracle cures attributed to the healing powers of the sauna water Mr. Trump reportedly bathed in during his last visit, had been submitted to Rome. “I have a very dear friend on the Canonization Committee,” he winked, as he tapped the side of his nose and made the ‘pay me’ gesture with his other hand, “if you know what I mean?”

At that point the manager interrupted to deny “in the strongest possible terms” a rumour that the water was being sold locally as a cure for sick cattle and the widespread local affliction known as, “bootlicker’s stoop”.

“I imagine there’ll be red faces in the White House,” he smirked, “when they learn that Mr. Trump has pipped ‘Irish Joe Biden’ to take the Doonbeg International Haircare Award.

“Tipperary Peace Award my hole,” he muttered, after The Clare Champion’s Luxury Haircare Correspondent had departed.