Trump: “World War Two Would Never Have Happened If I’d Been President”

Convicted Felon Donald Trump (CFDT) said yesterday that if he’d been president in 1939, he could have prevented World War Two from ever starting.

“I get on great with strongmen, so I could have sorted the whole thing out in a day? I’d have sat everyone down and negotiated such a beautiful deal. A deal like you’ve never seen? Wars are very wasteful. I could have stopped a lot of them. Like World War One or the Civil War? Ask anyone.”

“The only war I couldn’t prevent,” he said, “is the war of the sexes and Melania’s winning that one big time?”

CFDT also met with and honoured what he called four of the bravest, noblest and greatest American veterans of D-day. “These guys are the best,” he said, “They never criticise me for calling their fallen buddies, suckers and losers?”