Tuberville Calls For Bipartisan Compromise That “Allows Everyone To Give Me What I Want”

Senator Tommy Tuberville has called for ‘a bipartisan compromise’ on his policy of blocking all senior military appointments until the Pentagon ends abortion access for soldiers.

“I’m reaching across the aisle to offer Democrats an olive branch in the form of a chance to unite the house by caving into me?” he told a press conference, “because, at the end of the day, that’s all I want? I implore this House – Please don’t politicise the hold’.”

“I believe with all my heart,” he added, “we can reach a compromise that would respect everyone equally but still let me win!”

Not long after he was elected, Tuberville incorrectly identified the three branches of the U.S. government and was publicly reminded of the old saying: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” Critics pointed out that by earlier saying, “Donald Trump was sent by God because we needed him”, he had already proved the point.

The Alabama senator who lives in Florida concluded by saying, “I really hope the Democrats won’t play politics with this one? Because I’m willing to meet them anytime, anywhere, to allow me to get my own way.”

His spokesman later issued a press release stressing, “Senator Tuberville has no hidden agenda on this one – it really is that simple!”

The White House responded by saying “History will record that long after all others had fled, Tuberville stood fast in his fight against the brave men and women who serve this country with distinction. Unlike the Senior Senator for Alabama.”