When I Use A Word, It Means What I Want It To Mean – Vance

“I love words,” JD Vance told the press today, “and I use them to create stories, just like Mark Twain did. You don’t think a boy called Huckleberry Finn ever really existed? Of course not. But nobody calls Twain a liar! Everyone says he was a genius for making that story up. And that’s exactly what I did with the cat eating Haitians story – I took words and I created it. Just like Mark Twain!”

“It’s actually a super clever analogy about how women like Taylor Swift are the greatest threat to our prosperity since Drag Queens were. But all that probably went right over your heads!”

“Small minds,” he continued, “have always resented great men like myself. Men of principle who won’t tailor their message to suit the latest fad. Men who won’t sacrifice our children to the transgender, woke lynch mob. Men who can say no to all that and still look good in a smoky eyeliner?”

“And that’s why Donald Trump and I will prevail. No matter what the polls are saying? And they’re all saying we’re going to win by the way.”

Signalling that he would not be taking any questions, Vance then stepped away from the podium, as the speakers began to pump out Steely Dan’s 1976 hit, This Is Your Haitian Divorce.

A moment later, the music abruptly switched to Oliver Anthony’s redneck anthem, Rich Men North Of Richmond.