Your Dog Has Seen Me Naked

You ask me why I left in such a hurry this morning, Alison. 

Well, for one thing, I’d like to point out that your dog has seen me naked twice now. Front and back? I hate to say this but I’m pretty sure he’s trying to destroy me? Because whenever Rudy Giuliani looks at me, his expression clearly says, ‘She could have done so much better than you!’ 

Remember when we were walking him on the prom and we bumped into Joanne and Twink, that snooty little Pekinese of hers? No of course you don’t, the pair of you were far too busy talking, to see what was going on under your very own noses. But I was watching Tubs like a hawk and there was something in his smirk that said, ‘I never want to see again, what I saw last night’. 

After he’d finished whispering to her, Twink suddenly started yapping excitedly and I just know he poisoned her against me? 

Now, although “doggy blindfold” is a google search that generates some truly eye-watering results, I finally managed to find an online store that sells blindfolds that are meant to be put on an animal as opposed to a person?

Because this isn’t just about my anatomy Alison, it’s about fighting to save our love. All I ask is that you please don’t try and gaslight me again, as I deserve better than that. 

Because I know I’m not imagining this?