British Startup Invents Long-Distance Arse Kissing Machine

A British start-up has invented a long-distance arse kissing machine that transmits users’ kiss data through silicon lips, which simultaneously move when replaying kisses received.

The invention was inspired by lockdown isolation when a young Tory activist couldn’t kiss the arses of his political heroes, after the party’s political conference was cancelled.

The device has received mixed reviews, with some senior Tories saying it was intriguing whereas others said it made them feel uncomfortable. Among the top complaints was its lack of tongue.

“It’s quite uncomfortable,” Michael Gove said, because it doesn’t really feel like your arse is being sincerely kissed,” Jacob Rees-Mogg however, warmed to the news. “I’ve always wanted to kiss my own arse,” he revealed, “and thanks to this new device, I’ll finally be able to realize my dream”.