DeSantis Only Half The Bastard Our Guy Is, Trump Campaign Warns

Donald Trump’s campaign today issued a stark warning about Ron DeSantis. “This guy is only a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ character whereas our guy is a complete and utter bastard, all of the time”.

The DeSantis campaign angrily denounced the claim ‘as a shameless attack on the governor’s bad name’.

“The idea that Governor DeSantis is less committed to destroying societal norms than the former president, is not one people will recognise. Americans have long envied the freedoms given to Floridians, since his great reign of confusion began.”

“Fascists in all the red states,” the statement continued, “can only envy Floridians their right to wave the Nazi flag, as they burn books outside their local elementary school.”

Speaking off the record, a Trump campaign insider said, “We want to emphasise that whereas Ron is a wishy-washy bastard, Don is an old-school, rotten-to-the-core bastard. With him, it’s effortless. With Ron…well, you get the distinct impression he has to work at it? Republican voters don’t like that and the more we can help them see it, the less they’re gonna like him. Let’s face it, we’re bitter, angry people?

A DeSantis insider later said the governor was “going to do something really mean later this week that would electrify the campaign, like…maybe kick a cat?”