Ireland Asks What Went Wrong, As Country’s Only Alcohol-Free Bar Closes

Ireland was in shock yesterday, as The Virgin Mary, the country’s only alcohol-free bar closed its doors for good. The owners immediately issued a press release so improbably optimistic, it suggested they too had abandoned alcohol-free drinks.

“This marks an exciting new chapter for us,” its unlikely opening claimed, “because we still believe there is a huge demand for non-alcohol drinks, even though some may say we’ve categorically proved there isn’t?”

“So we’re taking the show on the road. The Virgin Mary bar is going mobile because if people won’t come to us, then we need to go to the people!”

The Drinks Industry Federation later said it would send a wreath to The Virgin Mary, provided there was no talk of a resurrection.