The Delicate Flowers Of Trinity College

The discovery in Trinity College Dublin of the rare Irish orchid, Superbus Stultus, aka the Proud Fool, has caused a sensation. The Trinity Past Pupils Association says the recent heatwave – coupled with seeing their old alma mater mentioned on the front page of The Irish Times – has caused an outbreak of palpitations amongst their members.

As a result, the association has recommended that the Trinity chorus – a high pitched preening sound graduates make every day at sunset, no matter where they are in the world – is to be extended to one full minute for the rest of the year.

“The Chorus is a ritual meditation, designed to reassure graduates of their central importance in life. Doubling it from 30 to 60 seconds will help our members keep control of the overwhelming emotions that are stirred up by a confluence of great events, like the one we’ve just witnessed.”

Meanwhile, rumours have emerged that Paschal “Dunno” Donohoe, aka the Minister for Public Expenditure, has been talking up plans to present the provost of Trinity with a new purple sash, to mark the orchid’s discovery.

After news of his plans leaked, ‘the minister for purple expenditure’ began trending.