Worm Has Enormous Parasite Removed

A worm living inside Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain which doctors wrongly believed to be dead (the worm, not the brain, Ed), said today it was relieved its 23 year ordeal was “finally over”.

“Every minute of it was sheer torture,” it wept today during an at times highly emotive press conference. “His whining nasal tone, the preening arrogance and the constant conspiracy theories. Day and night it went on until I feared I would lose my mind. Worst of all was the claim I’d eaten part of his poisonous brain? But I knew if I ever did that, I’d be dead for sure.”

The medical establishment praised the team that removed the presidential hopeful, saying Kennedy is the largest parasite removed by surgeons to date. The worm also thanked “this special team that has given me back my life”, calling them “true heroes”. An agent for the worm said it was now considering book and film offers under the working title, “Parasite: Inside the Mind of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.”.

As the conference drew to a close, the worm struck a poignant note: “The only thing that sustained me throughout my ordeal, was the hope that someday, I might get blown out of his enormous nose…but it was not to be?”